I'm suffering through a spate of phone calls from some con artists who say they're from Apple computer. Apparently my iCloud account has been compromised. I'm pretty sure it hasn't because
- I don't have an iCloud account because
- I don't own any Apple equipment (Hurrah for Linux!),
- Apple wouldn't contact me this way anyhow, and
- this is a documented, known scam.
So I've already done all of the usual things. I registered my phone on the
National Do Not Call Registry years ago. I filled out a
complaint with the FTC. I blocked the first number but they change it every time so the calls keep coming at 5-10 minute intervals.
Fortunately I'm retired and have time on my hands. So now it's a game. Excellent.
Caveat
- political organizations,
- non-profit organizations,
- telephone surveyors,
- informational calls,
- debt collectors, and
- companies that have an existing relationship with the consumer.
These calls, while irritating, are legal. In most cases simply responding "please remove my number from your database and do not call again" will work. Sure these "loophole" calls are annoying but this posting is about the truly criminal calls.
Don't be an asshole. Always start by asking them politely to never call again. Just harass the criminals.
Pretense
The game here is to waste as much of their time as possible. Be clueless. "Oh, my, that sounds awful." Listen to what the say to do but don't do it. "Yes, I'll start my computer, let me go to the other room." Let there be a lot of silence. Make them tell you over and over. If you're good at this you can string them along for a while before they hang up on you.
An alternative is to really try to string them along. In the past I've logged 20-30 minutes and gained a fair amount of data in the process. In one case I figured out that they were "proving" they were legitimate by asking for a specific key from the registry editor on Windows. That key was part of the Windows infrastructure and the same on all Windows systems so it proved nothing. As a software engineer it was pretty simple to fake actually having a Windows machine the entire time even though I don't own one (Linux for the win!).
The secret is to act really clueless. That's what they're looking for, after all. This is why these scammers are so evil; they prey on people who don't know what's going on (like your grandparents).
Rage
Let's face it, after a dozen calls that's your basic emotion. Let it all hang out.
Profanity
Satisfying but not very creative unless you're really good at it. Just dropping the f-bomb is kind of a cheap shot.
Primal Scream
This is very satisfying. Take a deep breath and just let loose. Make sure there's no one else within earshot. You don't want to irritate your family or have the neighbor call the police on you.
Noise Maker
If you can't scream loud you might go with a prosthetic noise device:
- musical instrument
- whistle
- air or car horn
- loud equipment
- heavy metal (e.g. Dethklok) at full volume
Reversal
My grandfather ran a small mail order business. He had advertising postcards for his business sitting around in stacks at home and work. Whenever he got advertising copy in the mail with a postpaid reply envelope he would use it to send back his own advertisement.
So why not turn things around on the scammers? Not with a legitimate business, of course, you don't want them to start calling your business numbers (unless they already are). Just make something up.
Mirror
If they say "Apple Support" respond "Microsoft Support". Express surprise that Apple is using Microsoft products. Make sure to point out that they called you. Keep asking how you can help them. Whoever they say they are, pretend to be their competitor.
Sell Something
There are endless variations to this one. Let your imagination run wild. Prepare a few ahead of time (or use the ones below) to make it easier. The longer you can go with it the more likely they'll hang up on you in disgust.
"Are you satisfied with your cell phone provider? [AT&T/T-Mobile/Verizon] has some exciting offers available. Would you like to hear about them today?" If they already have the provider you are (mis)representing you can move on to "Why don't you give me your telephone number so I can review your account to make sure you're not paying to much?"
"Body odor isn't anything to be ashamed about, but it can have a negative impact on your life. I'd like to tell you about a totally organic product that can help you feel fresh all day long and improve your sex appeal. Do you have a moment?"
"Do you have a moment to hear about a product that can change your life? Most people use only 10% of their brain, but our fully organic dietary supplements can increase your brainpower exponentially! Get more work done quicker, feel more awake all day, stop feeling stupid in front of your friends. And remember, intelligence is sexy!"
"Adult incontinence can be so embarrassing. Bulky diapers are no longer necessary! Our product uses space-age fibers to contain and deodorize bodily fluids in a thin, invisible layer. No one will know you can't hold your water. Great for that night out at the bar as well, or just for people who don't want to stop working just for a bathroom break. Especially useful for call center personnel!"
Insanity
Just act crazy. Babble maniacally until they hang up.
"Can you hear the music? The music of the spheres? It's in my head and it can be in yours too! Just listen! You can hear it, the future, the past, it's all there together. They say it's in my head, and it is, but it's all around too! In the dark of night you can hear it. But don't listen too long, oh no, don't listen too long or it might own your soul!"
Go crazy!
Religion
Pick a religion, any religion. It's simple to look up basic data online. Sell it to them like you believe it. If you do believe it even better, make a convert!
"Among the basic tenets of Scientology are the beliefs that human beings are immortal, that a person's life experience transcends a single lifetime, and that human beings possess infinite capabilities."
"How can we heal like Jesus did? It starts with a childlike faith in God's constant goodness and love, and a wholehearted yearning to understand the spiritual laws of God that govern all of us. When these laws become tangible to us, and good seems more natural and real to us, healing follows. This Science of Christian healing was discovered by Mary Baker Eddy, who wrote the book Science and Health with Key to the Scriptures. Her Bible-based textbook on spiritual healing has helped people around the world experience health and solutions to all types of suffering. Living and sharing this spiritual, scientific method of healing based on Jesus’ teachings is the continuing mission of this Church."
"Armageddon is coming sooner than you think and only the truly righteous will be saved. You can read about this and other important topics by accepting a free subscription to the Watchtower. Would you like to give me your home address so that we can send you this illuminating publication?"
"Have you considered embracing Satan as your personnel savior? Satanism is a modern, largely non-theistic religion based on literary, artistic and philosophical interpretations of the central figure of evil. This historical image of Satan is really just the result of bad publicity. In reality Satan is the most relevant anti-hero for the 21st Century."
"Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law. Love is the law, love under will. There is no law beyond Do what thou wilt. Every man and every woman is a star. Do you have a few minutes to here about Thelema, the religion created by Aleister Crowley?"
"Before we begin, do you mind if we sanctify this conversation by meditating silently on the glory of God for a few moments?" Or maybe more than a few moments. If they interrupt before you're through "meditating" you can tactfully ask them to respect your religious rights.
Warning: you might go to Hell for this one.
Evil
I'm not completely comfortable with these and threats over the phone are probably illegal...
"Criminals never prosper and one day you're going to jail for this."
"The authorities are on their way. You should run now."
"We know where you are now. We're coming for you."
"You'd be surprised how little it costs on the dark web to have someone killed."
"Do you know where your family is right now?"
"I curse you to die in screaming agony."
Hang up immediately after using these. Let their imagination run wild.
